The I Factor™

Dirty and Thirty – He’s Just Not That Into You

Posted on December 17, 2012 in Media Buzz |

by Paul N. Weinberg

How often have I heard a woman say, “I’m giving him another chance” about a guy who has betrayed her trust by cheating on her. I’m still surprised by how many times a typical woman will go back even after the guy proves to her again and again that he is not trustworthy.

True, everyone deserves a second chance. But not third, fourth and fifth chances. As the old saying goes, “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.” Unfortunately, giving a guy too many chances sends the message that he can walk all over you, and almost always has less to do with a woman’s forgiveness and more to do with her low self-esteem and not believing in herself enough to know that she deserves to be treated with respect.

Another favorite: “Should I trust him?” There’s no way to know, so trust gradually and don’t trust fully until he earns that trust and, more importantly, the relationship itself has hit some bumps in the road so that you can see if he – and the relationship – warrant it.

Only the passage of time and working through conflict let you know if you can trust him – and whether your feelings can be safely entrusted to him. And if he proves more than once that it’s not safe, not only because he hurts your feelings but also because of how he deals with your hurt feelings, don’t trust him again. Because everyone can make a mistake once; the second and third time it’s no longer a mistake.

One last consideration: If he betrays your trust by cheating on you, you have to ask yourself, did he really cheat? Were you clear about your expectations? Because you can’t assume anything about your relationship just because you’ve been sleeping together unless you the two of you have a clear understanding about exclusivity.

Along those lines, a friend of mine had been dating a guy for several months but was afraid to initiate the exclusivity conversation. “I don’t want to push him away,” she said. Sure enough, not long after, she found evidence that he had been with another woman. She was furious, felt betrayed, and refused to see or even talk to him again.

But since they had never agreed that they were in an exclusive relationship – had never even talked about it – it’s not clear that he actually cheated on her – or betrayed her trust – by being with someone else. Meanwhile, the real issue here is that you are having a sexually intimate relationship with a guy and you can’t even communicate with him. What’s up with that? And what then is the basis of the relationship?

Another issue is whether to date a so-called “player.” On some level, every guy is a player until he meets the right woman. So just because you think he’s a player is not a reason not to go out with him. But if he continues to act like a player by cheating on you even after you are together, flirting with other women, being noncommittal, and being unreliable, then he’s not that into you and you should move on.

In any case, what it all boils down to is his respect – or lack of respect – for your feelings. “Is it safe” and “betrayal of trust” are really just genteel ways of framing what could be more colorfully expressed as “Does he give a shit about your feelings, or is he a selfish prick who only cares about his own?” I think that adds a bit of clarity

What about you? Do you know when to dump the guy? Or do you continue to bang your head against the wall and hang in there far too long at the expense of your self-esteem? Remember, it takes strength – and self-respect – to have the courage to walk away if you’re not getting your needs met.

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